Word Plays

A FISH LIMERICK
A Sushi bar owner named Bobby
Who speared fish at times for a hobby
Fell prey to a shark
Whose only remark
Was, "Not bad, but it needed wasabi"

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the hell out of it.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam!

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho Cheese.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quattro Sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER? The location of the dirt bag.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? Because he's wearing his belt buckle on his hat.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER? A bad golfer goes whack, "damn." A bad skydiver goes "damn," whack.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT? Tame way, unique up on it.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP? An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Two sardines were startled in the depths of the ocean when a submarine glided by. "Heavens, what was that?" one exclaimed. To which the other replied, "Oh nothing, just a can of people."

TRUISMS
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The 24 Best Signs Out There!
Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix"
At a military hospital-door to endoscopies: "To expedite your visit, please back in"
On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed"
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak"
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

* My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
* Procrastinate now!
* Rehab is for quitters.
* My dog can lick anyone.
* I have a degree in liberal arts - did you want fries with that?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN. Cops have nothing to go on.

TWISTED WORDS
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.